THE ART OF SAYING ‘NO’

Have you ever felt guilty saying ‘no’? Were you worried about what others might think? Were there times when you overburdened yourself trying to meet others’ demands? Well, we have all been there at some point in our lives. In this constant process of learning and unlearning things, your life is shaped by what you say yes to and what you say no to. Your yes’s and no’s are what boundaries are made of. Just take a minute to think, what are your boundaries?

It is important that we build a space for ourselves where we can say ‘yes’ without fear or hesitation but it is equally important to say ‘no’ when you know it is not for you. Setting up boundaries is a process of knowing yourself, acknowledging your limits and hence taking care of yourself. But we all know it is easier said than done. Why? Because saying ‘no’ and prioritizing your needs does not always get you a positive reaction or response from the other person who is demanding things from you.

Saying no, here means that you know it needs to be said but cannot or do not for whatever reason. Majority of us are conceived by the thought that we have to suppress our ‘no’ in order to maintain a relationship or not to lose the connection that you have with a certain someone. This tendency is mostly implanted in a person while he/she is a child which later on becomes a habit.

The cost of saying ‘no’

As mentioned earlier, saying ‘no’ does not always get you a positive response. Very often, people are subjected to grave consequences for simply uttering those two letters. It varies from “how dare you?!” death-stare from parents, to the betrayed expression on your friends’ faces when you refuse to meet-up, to extreme violent acts like assaults, acid attacks, kidnapping and even murder. However, can we all agree to the fact that women are more prone to the dangers of saying ‘no’?

Acid attacks have a gendered aspect to them. While several acid attacks have been done against males, most of the time (about 80%) females are the victims. The motives behind this heinous act have very often been associated with female rejection, refusing sexual advances of men, not bringing enough dowry etc. In other words, a woman is potentially risking herself by saying ‘no’. She cannot feel safe to casually walk on the streets or even live at her own house. Let us look at some instances.

On June 28 this year, the social media witnessed a 19-year-old woman (Alirajpur, Madhya Pradesh) being dragged by hair, tied to a tree and brutally beaten by her father and cousins. Apparently, her family was enraged because she tried to escape from her domestically abusive marital home. The people who were supposed to lend her support, brutally punished her and the worst part was that none of the spectators tried to stop it. Where can a woman be safe even when her own family disowns her ?

Another recent incident, a 24-year-old woman was shot dead in Kerala by her stalker, who then shot himself. Reportedly, they had met over instagram a year ago. It is also said that her parents had filed a complaint against the accused for troubling and stalking their daughter. Why are women forced to pay a price, even sacrifice their lives, for making choices?

Why is it important to say ‘no’?

It is important to listen to your yes’s and no’s. This is because you often tend to overwork or burden yourself with all the yes’s that you give. You have to ask yourself, what is the physical and emotional impact on myself when I constantly agree to everything?

People usually feel overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, headaches, difficulty in sleeping, back aches etc. On an emotional level, at some point, we feel resentment towards these people who demand too much from you. Ironically, you begin to feel distant towards the very person that you wanted to build the connection or relationship with. Setting boundaries itself is a stressful process but it ultimately leads one to trusting themselves, being more decisive and being committed to healthy relationships. ‘No’ is usually associated with rejection but at times, it can act as a protective shield.

However, in a given situation or an unpredictable crisis, your yes’s and no’s can be clouded. It is in these situations that one has to take extra care of themselves in order to be a stronger support for oneself and those in need. It is also important to utilise the art of saying ‘no’ to grow and choose your responsibilities especially during a challenging time.

How to say ‘no’?

There are two types of no’s:

• Reactive no, like an aggressive reaction (no!) where you’re trying to push away somebody

• Responsive no, where you consider your feelings about the particular matter and then say no.

It is important to remember that the responsive no is a movement towards yourself. Considering the other person’s feelings is important, but we have to realize that to always please someone is nearly impossible. Let us accept the fact that we do not have to go to the extent of sacrificing ourselves or our time to make someone else happy. Moreover, you are over-exerting yourself into mental and physical exhaustion when you do not prioritize your internal needs.

Knowing your boundaries is very crucial and for that reach out to expertise, seek therapy, consult relevant resources to draw out your limits and construct your yes’s and no’s. Train yourself to be unapologetic for spending time with yourself or taking a break from work or taking a day off because you are feeling low. Just remember to practice the responsive no in order to consider your feelings as well as the other person’s. Also, try to be empathetic of others’ struggles and well-being, be it with family, friends or in your workplace. Sometimes the favours you ask someone can be overburdening for them yet they might be struggling to say ‘no’.

In conclusion, knowing your perks and limits as a person is crucial and by creating that safe space, remember not to shut down all the good possibilities of life. Relationships must be built on understanding and trust and not on pleasing one another and hence, a sustainable relationship can be maintained without misusing your yes’s. You do not have to feel shameful to express your disapproval of something if you think it will take a toll on your mental and physical health because after all we are humans and humans are not limitless creatures.

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Written by: Rini

Image credits: Anshika

Research credits: Somanshi